The Weigh-In

This morning starts my seventh day of the 'nuttin but liquids' diet I've created for myself.  The innertube seems to have deflated considerably around my middle. I've been paying close attention to that indicator for the last few days and have noticed small differences. It's easier to bend in the middle Easier to put on my shoes and socks. I grabbed a t-shirt out of my closet yesterday and realized as soon as I put it on that A) it was an L instead of an XL and B) it wasn't terribly tight. Paired with the loose shorts I was wearing, it didn't even reveal a muffin top. I also wore a belt yesterday for the first time in months and my puffy vest zipped up nicely so I didn't even feel like I was wearing it so people would think the puffy was my vest and not my giant belly.

But for all those little indicators, I wasn't yet ready to step on the scales.

So I purposely waited until today to check for clear results. It's Saturday, so I slept in. The hubs is out of the house at the hockey rink for a few hours, so I have the place essentially to myself. As I lay in bed this morning, assessing my form under the sheets, I felt a noticeable difference in my belly size. I turned to my side and assessed the jiggly mass that's usually there. Absolutely no doubt that it's smaller. I got up and stood in front of the mirror in just my underwear. Turning sideways this way and sideways that way. Assessing the back fat (still there, definitely less hideous), assessing the way my underwear fits (no muffin top at all). All are positive indicators that this is working. My only deviation from nothing but chicken broth has been the single daily apple, and the two evenings I had 3 celery stalks (stalks not sticks) with a little ranch dressing. Apples and celery are both negative calories, meaning it takes more to burn them than they contain going in. I've not cheated, I've not strayed, I've done everything right. My body has to be responding. It feels like it is. But I need to prove it.

I know me. For all the indicators, today might not be the day to check. It could backfire. Feeling confident in the size change doesn't mean my head is in the right place. 

I crawled back in bed and spent an hour buried in my iPhone for news, Facebook, and Candy Crush (DAMN YOU LEVEL 291) until I'd run out of lives, all the while having a conversation with the little therapist in the back of my head who was busy assessing my mental state. She doesn't judge, she just leads me through my own consciousness objectively. She's my good conscience.

Note: Rather than an angel and a devil, my good and evil consciences take the form of a concerned therapist and an evil clown. Because I don't really believe in the devil and clowns are truly terrifying.

The therapist asks:

1. What is your goal on the scales?
2. How big of a result do you want to see?
3. What if you don't?
4. Are you going to go downstairs and have leftover pizza from last night?
5. And let's talk about this eating thing...you're not famished, you're not starving all the time, you've got a rhythm going here, so even if the results aren't huge, can you handle what you see on the scale without binge-eating?
6. What if the results are bigger than you hoped?
7. Are you going to reward yourself with a cookie?
8. ARE YOU READY TO SEE IF THIS WORKED? Because let's face it, the last time you tried something extreme (the infamous GM Diet Cleanse) the 'guaranteed' 10-17lb weight loss after a week, for you, was 4. And on WW, after 2 1/2 weeks, you gained 2.5 pounds. And in both cases, you just said fuck it and started eating whatever you wanted.

She always makes so much sense. Even with the salty language. So I answered her back.

1. To validate that what I'm feeling is actually happening. That it's not my imagination. That the number goes DOWN.
2. My goal is 5 pounds. That's all I want. It's reasonable, it's attainable, and it shows real progress.
3. Anything less than that may leave me in a puddle of tears. And after the radical intake of calories, zero weight loss or even a weight gain will have me making a Dr. appointment. I'll be convinced I have something seriously wrong with me.
4. No. even if the scales don't agree, it's still easier to put on my socks. They can't take that away.
5. RIGHT?  Last night, I cooked two pizzas for my daughter and her friends before they headed out to watch a school play. I had no desire for a nibble, a crumb, or a lick. When putting away the leftovers, one single piece of cold pepperoni was still on the plate. I swear I heard it call my name. So I put it in my mouth. I chewed it. It was salty and spicy. But I chose not to swallow it and spit it in the sink.* So yes, I can handle it. Whatever the number is.
6. Anything more than 5 pounds will make me extra happy. And I may do a little dance. Unless it's a full 40 pounds, it will not change what I'm doing. Promise.
7. No. Even though I know there are cookies downstairs that the raving band of 17-year-olds did not consume, I don't want one. I rarely crave sugar and I crave it even less when I'm in full-on Atkins induction, which is where I feel I am. Completely in control.
8. YES YES YES I AM READY! I will put down my iPhone. I will empty my bladder, put on my contact lenses so I can see the number clearly, take a deep breath, and I will step on the scale. And no matter what it says, I will stay on the wagon. I promise.

*Sidebar: Before anyone freaks out and calls me bulimic for spitting out a piece of pepperoni, it wasn't about the food, it was about my mental state. My desire to shrink from the current hefty size 16 trumps my desire to swallow a piece of pepperoni. I know, with absolutely certainty that that single slice of pepperoni would have had zero impact on the number on the scales. Where it MIGHT have an influence is on the evil clown. The little bastard  would poke incessantly on some nerve in my brain that would make me think 'well, you've already screwed up with that piece of pepperoni, clearly you're off the wagon, you may as well eat the whole pizza since you've complete lost your rhythm already. do it. Do It. DO IT.' He usually keeps poking until I agree with him. Spitting out the pepperoni was my way of shutting him the hell up. When I'm 105 pounds and spitting out food in the sink, THEN you can worry about me.

So anyway here we are. The scales. I pee again to make very sure I'm not weighing any excess liquid. I try to determine the weight of my contact lenses and the hair clip holding my thick hair off my face and calculate that they're probably insignificant, but that I can blame them if I have to. And I step on.

The number flashes up.

WHAT?? No way.

I step off and reset it, and step on again.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! 

For shizzle.  It's right.

Not 5 pounds. TEN POUNDS.

6 days of virtually no eating at all. 10 pounds.

SO. COMPLETELY. WORTH IT.

As I walk back to the bedroom in my underwear, my smile gets bigger and bigger. The tiny therapist is smiling and telling me I am more than entitled to be delighted. And that the best way to reward myself is to keep doing what I'm doing. I agree with her.

Meanwhile, the evil clown is pounding his head into the wall, leaving the a shmear of white face paint on the bricks. I've ruined him. I've won. I would include a cute graphic of a sad clown, but honestly the Google Images search I just did on sad clowns was so horrifying I couldn't even find one. And if I posted one, I'd never be able to read this post again. So use your imagination.

I came down to the kitchen, put the few remaining cookies in a storage bag for those who are still eating solid food. I poured my cup of water that I then doctored it with my SlimFast3 packet (I have no idea if this has been a factor or not, but I figured it wouldn't hut, and they're tasty) and drank it. Then I poured my mug of chicken broth, heated it up, and am sipping it responsibly.

My way of celebrating today is to go to the store and get some beef to make another pot of broth. Because I am firmly on this wagon.

Carry on...


 

Liquid Diet Report - Day 4

At this writing, I have not had solid food since Sunday night, and that was nothing more than a cup of shredded pork after a day of broth. Today is Wednesday.

As a result of the intense swelling from the excess salt in canned broth I began mixing my own broth using four chicken thighs from the freezer and some herbs and pepper. There's more fat this way (which Dr. Atkins said is key to the biology of Ketosis) and WAY less salt. So much less salt that my ankles aren't even swollen. BONUS! I don't feel at all hungry. It's probably the fat that is keeping down my appetite.

Oh check that...I have eaten an apple every day. Because an apple a day keeps the...size XL clearance rack...away. But other than that, not a morsel that hasn't come out of my travel mug tasting like chunkless soup has passed my lips.

I feel like I'm shrinking today. My face appears slimmer. I can see the faintest hint of cheekbones. I put on a pair of jeans that maybe, ever so slightly, feel looser. Definitely nothing dramatic at this point. Baby steps. But I'm not weighing (partially because I'm afraid of the water retention tipping the scales in the wrong direction). I'm also not the least bit discouraged and I'm definitely winning the mental game. I'm not hungry. I'm not tempted. I haven't so much as looked in the refrigerator, other than to grab a diet coke (one a day). I've even cooked dinner for the spousal unit and offspring two nights running without so much as a taste.

One thing for certain, liquid in results I a lot of liquid out. Sparing the details, my bladder is in overdrive the last few days. I need to install a TV in the bathroom. Sheesh.

I leave on vacation 28 days from tomorrow. I'm positive I can't do this for 28 days...but I'm going to try damn hard to at least go 14. It's a rather arbitrary selection. But I was poking around online yesterday about 'broth diets' and it turns out that I'm not the first to think of this. Dr. Oz, tv diet guru, put together a similar plan. His plan says to do it for two weeks to kick start your lazy metabolism. So of course if this works and I write a book about it, I'll be accused of copying the great Oz.

Whatevs. This is a boring post. It could be that the lack of solids has depleted my creative juices. At any rate...over and out.

The Broth Diet

Well, it's not so much a diet as it is a necessity. With a Caribbean vacation just 32 days away and my body reaching maximum density, I have no choice.

I reached this level slowly, letting weight creep back on. I'm now fully the same size I was pre-Atkins 10 years ago. I've tried over and over again to get back on that bandwagon, but something is broken in my metabolism. I can't get started. Can't stick with it for more than a week. I've lost my Atkins mo jo. 


Maybe it's my age. I'm almost 47 and my shape has changed to that spare-tire-around-the-middle shape. I don't bend in the middle like I used to. Putting my shoes on is harder than it used to be. It's like I have an innertube around my middle all the time that's always in my way. But without the cute ducky head and the fun day at the pool. I despise that I no longer have a waist. But I don't. AT ALL.

So the catalyst for this latest drastic step was a pre-vacation shopping trip. You know, some cute dresses, maybe some new flip flops, perhaps some flattering shorts. Turns out I can't wear anything with a defined waist, no matter how adorable it looks on the hanger. So I look for empire waists, ruffled tops (GOD LOVE THE RUFFLES), stretchy fabric. I bought one dress that was flattering. But my extra fat isn't limited to the spare tire, so my back fat is hideously visible as well. I looked at XLs and the size 16 shorts were still displaying a muffin top. Again, and louder - MAXIMUM DENSITY.

I came home frustrated with my size. My shape. My inability to stick with anything. The absolute lack of progress no matter what I try.  Last year I went on Weight Watchers, determined to stick to it. it's a 'healthy eating plan' right? It pushes vegetables and lean meats, the government-backed theory that fat is bad and low fat is good. A theory I haven't subscribed to in a decade, but that I decided to try again since nothing else has worked.

After two and a half weeks of absolute misery, after chronicling every single morsel I ate, after following the plan TO THE LETTER, after cheating not a single time...I had gained 2.4 pounds. Hell if I'm going to GAIN weight, I'm not going to be that unhappy doing it. So I canceled my WW subscription and said to hell with it. I tried the low carb thing again, repeatedly. I think that's what has sucked the energy out of my metabolism. It's like my biology is smart enough to know that it just has to adapt for a week or so to me not consuming any carbs, and then it will get what it really wants.

My metabolism is like a shiftless teenager, lounging about on the couch until I poke it with a stick and make it work. But the minute I stop paying attention to it, the very second I relax my militant ways, it's back to sleeping until noon, watching movies all afternoon, and leaving it's dishes in my sink.

Bastard.

So after my miserable but eye-opening shopping experience on Saturday, I decided to go hard core. Like a drunk who breaks all the vodka bottles in the house, I had to go cold turkey on food. Well, not so much cold turkey. Because turkey is food, but you get it. Starting Sunday (two days ago), I have not eaten anything except broth. That's right. Broth. With one exception in the way of a cup of shredded pork Sunday night (it was already in the crock pot and the smell got to me).

By my calculations, I ate about 500 calories Sunday, between 80 and 100 yesterday, and am on target today to maintain that pace. About 18 cups of broth a day goes into me, spaced according to when I'm hungry. I have it in a travel mug so it stays hot. I sip it when my stomach knocks, then I refill it when empty and keep it handy. I went to the store this morning and purchased unsalted broth because I also consumed about 12000mg of sodium yesterday and was swollen tight last night. But that little side effect has been rectified.

The broth is tasty (I like the unsalted better...with a bay leaf and a few dried herbs like oregano and rosemary), and most importantly it keeps me full. 'Not full' leads to temptation. Which leads to binging. Which leads to my metabolism not even getting out of bed for a week.

So it's a mental game at this point. I have 32 days of drinking broth before vacation. How long will I last? And will my metabolism finally get it's dead ass off my couch?

More to come...