The Weigh-In

This morning starts my seventh day of the 'nuttin but liquids' diet I've created for myself.  The innertube seems to have deflated considerably around my middle. I've been paying close attention to that indicator for the last few days and have noticed small differences. It's easier to bend in the middle Easier to put on my shoes and socks. I grabbed a t-shirt out of my closet yesterday and realized as soon as I put it on that A) it was an L instead of an XL and B) it wasn't terribly tight. Paired with the loose shorts I was wearing, it didn't even reveal a muffin top. I also wore a belt yesterday for the first time in months and my puffy vest zipped up nicely so I didn't even feel like I was wearing it so people would think the puffy was my vest and not my giant belly.

But for all those little indicators, I wasn't yet ready to step on the scales.

So I purposely waited until today to check for clear results. It's Saturday, so I slept in. The hubs is out of the house at the hockey rink for a few hours, so I have the place essentially to myself. As I lay in bed this morning, assessing my form under the sheets, I felt a noticeable difference in my belly size. I turned to my side and assessed the jiggly mass that's usually there. Absolutely no doubt that it's smaller. I got up and stood in front of the mirror in just my underwear. Turning sideways this way and sideways that way. Assessing the back fat (still there, definitely less hideous), assessing the way my underwear fits (no muffin top at all). All are positive indicators that this is working. My only deviation from nothing but chicken broth has been the single daily apple, and the two evenings I had 3 celery stalks (stalks not sticks) with a little ranch dressing. Apples and celery are both negative calories, meaning it takes more to burn them than they contain going in. I've not cheated, I've not strayed, I've done everything right. My body has to be responding. It feels like it is. But I need to prove it.

I know me. For all the indicators, today might not be the day to check. It could backfire. Feeling confident in the size change doesn't mean my head is in the right place. 

I crawled back in bed and spent an hour buried in my iPhone for news, Facebook, and Candy Crush (DAMN YOU LEVEL 291) until I'd run out of lives, all the while having a conversation with the little therapist in the back of my head who was busy assessing my mental state. She doesn't judge, she just leads me through my own consciousness objectively. She's my good conscience.

Note: Rather than an angel and a devil, my good and evil consciences take the form of a concerned therapist and an evil clown. Because I don't really believe in the devil and clowns are truly terrifying.

The therapist asks:

1. What is your goal on the scales?
2. How big of a result do you want to see?
3. What if you don't?
4. Are you going to go downstairs and have leftover pizza from last night?
5. And let's talk about this eating thing...you're not famished, you're not starving all the time, you've got a rhythm going here, so even if the results aren't huge, can you handle what you see on the scale without binge-eating?
6. What if the results are bigger than you hoped?
7. Are you going to reward yourself with a cookie?
8. ARE YOU READY TO SEE IF THIS WORKED? Because let's face it, the last time you tried something extreme (the infamous GM Diet Cleanse) the 'guaranteed' 10-17lb weight loss after a week, for you, was 4. And on WW, after 2 1/2 weeks, you gained 2.5 pounds. And in both cases, you just said fuck it and started eating whatever you wanted.

She always makes so much sense. Even with the salty language. So I answered her back.

1. To validate that what I'm feeling is actually happening. That it's not my imagination. That the number goes DOWN.
2. My goal is 5 pounds. That's all I want. It's reasonable, it's attainable, and it shows real progress.
3. Anything less than that may leave me in a puddle of tears. And after the radical intake of calories, zero weight loss or even a weight gain will have me making a Dr. appointment. I'll be convinced I have something seriously wrong with me.
4. No. even if the scales don't agree, it's still easier to put on my socks. They can't take that away.
5. RIGHT?  Last night, I cooked two pizzas for my daughter and her friends before they headed out to watch a school play. I had no desire for a nibble, a crumb, or a lick. When putting away the leftovers, one single piece of cold pepperoni was still on the plate. I swear I heard it call my name. So I put it in my mouth. I chewed it. It was salty and spicy. But I chose not to swallow it and spit it in the sink.* So yes, I can handle it. Whatever the number is.
6. Anything more than 5 pounds will make me extra happy. And I may do a little dance. Unless it's a full 40 pounds, it will not change what I'm doing. Promise.
7. No. Even though I know there are cookies downstairs that the raving band of 17-year-olds did not consume, I don't want one. I rarely crave sugar and I crave it even less when I'm in full-on Atkins induction, which is where I feel I am. Completely in control.
8. YES YES YES I AM READY! I will put down my iPhone. I will empty my bladder, put on my contact lenses so I can see the number clearly, take a deep breath, and I will step on the scale. And no matter what it says, I will stay on the wagon. I promise.

*Sidebar: Before anyone freaks out and calls me bulimic for spitting out a piece of pepperoni, it wasn't about the food, it was about my mental state. My desire to shrink from the current hefty size 16 trumps my desire to swallow a piece of pepperoni. I know, with absolutely certainty that that single slice of pepperoni would have had zero impact on the number on the scales. Where it MIGHT have an influence is on the evil clown. The little bastard  would poke incessantly on some nerve in my brain that would make me think 'well, you've already screwed up with that piece of pepperoni, clearly you're off the wagon, you may as well eat the whole pizza since you've complete lost your rhythm already. do it. Do It. DO IT.' He usually keeps poking until I agree with him. Spitting out the pepperoni was my way of shutting him the hell up. When I'm 105 pounds and spitting out food in the sink, THEN you can worry about me.

So anyway here we are. The scales. I pee again to make very sure I'm not weighing any excess liquid. I try to determine the weight of my contact lenses and the hair clip holding my thick hair off my face and calculate that they're probably insignificant, but that I can blame them if I have to. And I step on.

The number flashes up.

WHAT?? No way.

I step off and reset it, and step on again.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! 

For shizzle.  It's right.

Not 5 pounds. TEN POUNDS.

6 days of virtually no eating at all. 10 pounds.

SO. COMPLETELY. WORTH IT.

As I walk back to the bedroom in my underwear, my smile gets bigger and bigger. The tiny therapist is smiling and telling me I am more than entitled to be delighted. And that the best way to reward myself is to keep doing what I'm doing. I agree with her.

Meanwhile, the evil clown is pounding his head into the wall, leaving the a shmear of white face paint on the bricks. I've ruined him. I've won. I would include a cute graphic of a sad clown, but honestly the Google Images search I just did on sad clowns was so horrifying I couldn't even find one. And if I posted one, I'd never be able to read this post again. So use your imagination.

I came down to the kitchen, put the few remaining cookies in a storage bag for those who are still eating solid food. I poured my cup of water that I then doctored it with my SlimFast3 packet (I have no idea if this has been a factor or not, but I figured it wouldn't hut, and they're tasty) and drank it. Then I poured my mug of chicken broth, heated it up, and am sipping it responsibly.

My way of celebrating today is to go to the store and get some beef to make another pot of broth. Because I am firmly on this wagon.

Carry on...


 

Liquid Diet Report - Day 4

At this writing, I have not had solid food since Sunday night, and that was nothing more than a cup of shredded pork after a day of broth. Today is Wednesday.

As a result of the intense swelling from the excess salt in canned broth I began mixing my own broth using four chicken thighs from the freezer and some herbs and pepper. There's more fat this way (which Dr. Atkins said is key to the biology of Ketosis) and WAY less salt. So much less salt that my ankles aren't even swollen. BONUS! I don't feel at all hungry. It's probably the fat that is keeping down my appetite.

Oh check that...I have eaten an apple every day. Because an apple a day keeps the...size XL clearance rack...away. But other than that, not a morsel that hasn't come out of my travel mug tasting like chunkless soup has passed my lips.

I feel like I'm shrinking today. My face appears slimmer. I can see the faintest hint of cheekbones. I put on a pair of jeans that maybe, ever so slightly, feel looser. Definitely nothing dramatic at this point. Baby steps. But I'm not weighing (partially because I'm afraid of the water retention tipping the scales in the wrong direction). I'm also not the least bit discouraged and I'm definitely winning the mental game. I'm not hungry. I'm not tempted. I haven't so much as looked in the refrigerator, other than to grab a diet coke (one a day). I've even cooked dinner for the spousal unit and offspring two nights running without so much as a taste.

One thing for certain, liquid in results I a lot of liquid out. Sparing the details, my bladder is in overdrive the last few days. I need to install a TV in the bathroom. Sheesh.

I leave on vacation 28 days from tomorrow. I'm positive I can't do this for 28 days...but I'm going to try damn hard to at least go 14. It's a rather arbitrary selection. But I was poking around online yesterday about 'broth diets' and it turns out that I'm not the first to think of this. Dr. Oz, tv diet guru, put together a similar plan. His plan says to do it for two weeks to kick start your lazy metabolism. So of course if this works and I write a book about it, I'll be accused of copying the great Oz.

Whatevs. This is a boring post. It could be that the lack of solids has depleted my creative juices. At any rate...over and out.

The Broth Diet

Well, it's not so much a diet as it is a necessity. With a Caribbean vacation just 32 days away and my body reaching maximum density, I have no choice.

I reached this level slowly, letting weight creep back on. I'm now fully the same size I was pre-Atkins 10 years ago. I've tried over and over again to get back on that bandwagon, but something is broken in my metabolism. I can't get started. Can't stick with it for more than a week. I've lost my Atkins mo jo. 


Maybe it's my age. I'm almost 47 and my shape has changed to that spare-tire-around-the-middle shape. I don't bend in the middle like I used to. Putting my shoes on is harder than it used to be. It's like I have an innertube around my middle all the time that's always in my way. But without the cute ducky head and the fun day at the pool. I despise that I no longer have a waist. But I don't. AT ALL.

So the catalyst for this latest drastic step was a pre-vacation shopping trip. You know, some cute dresses, maybe some new flip flops, perhaps some flattering shorts. Turns out I can't wear anything with a defined waist, no matter how adorable it looks on the hanger. So I look for empire waists, ruffled tops (GOD LOVE THE RUFFLES), stretchy fabric. I bought one dress that was flattering. But my extra fat isn't limited to the spare tire, so my back fat is hideously visible as well. I looked at XLs and the size 16 shorts were still displaying a muffin top. Again, and louder - MAXIMUM DENSITY.

I came home frustrated with my size. My shape. My inability to stick with anything. The absolute lack of progress no matter what I try.  Last year I went on Weight Watchers, determined to stick to it. it's a 'healthy eating plan' right? It pushes vegetables and lean meats, the government-backed theory that fat is bad and low fat is good. A theory I haven't subscribed to in a decade, but that I decided to try again since nothing else has worked.

After two and a half weeks of absolute misery, after chronicling every single morsel I ate, after following the plan TO THE LETTER, after cheating not a single time...I had gained 2.4 pounds. Hell if I'm going to GAIN weight, I'm not going to be that unhappy doing it. So I canceled my WW subscription and said to hell with it. I tried the low carb thing again, repeatedly. I think that's what has sucked the energy out of my metabolism. It's like my biology is smart enough to know that it just has to adapt for a week or so to me not consuming any carbs, and then it will get what it really wants.

My metabolism is like a shiftless teenager, lounging about on the couch until I poke it with a stick and make it work. But the minute I stop paying attention to it, the very second I relax my militant ways, it's back to sleeping until noon, watching movies all afternoon, and leaving it's dishes in my sink.

Bastard.

So after my miserable but eye-opening shopping experience on Saturday, I decided to go hard core. Like a drunk who breaks all the vodka bottles in the house, I had to go cold turkey on food. Well, not so much cold turkey. Because turkey is food, but you get it. Starting Sunday (two days ago), I have not eaten anything except broth. That's right. Broth. With one exception in the way of a cup of shredded pork Sunday night (it was already in the crock pot and the smell got to me).

By my calculations, I ate about 500 calories Sunday, between 80 and 100 yesterday, and am on target today to maintain that pace. About 18 cups of broth a day goes into me, spaced according to when I'm hungry. I have it in a travel mug so it stays hot. I sip it when my stomach knocks, then I refill it when empty and keep it handy. I went to the store this morning and purchased unsalted broth because I also consumed about 12000mg of sodium yesterday and was swollen tight last night. But that little side effect has been rectified.

The broth is tasty (I like the unsalted better...with a bay leaf and a few dried herbs like oregano and rosemary), and most importantly it keeps me full. 'Not full' leads to temptation. Which leads to binging. Which leads to my metabolism not even getting out of bed for a week.

So it's a mental game at this point. I have 32 days of drinking broth before vacation. How long will I last? And will my metabolism finally get it's dead ass off my couch?

More to come...

GM Diet Cleanse Wrap Up

So I haven't visited my blog in ages. I started it during my last-ditch attempt to drop some weight before a long Caribbean vacation. I came across it today while looking at another blog and was surprised that people have read it! I realize it's probably just people searching for any information on the GM Diet/Cleanse, but I still feel special. And I feel obligated to wrap it up.

So it's almost November. Obviously, since I'm writing this, the GM Diet/Cleanse did not kill me. It certainly felt like it would. And I will never do it again.

Day 6 was all-the-beef-you-can-eat-day. And oh I did. My freshly cleansed system was more than ready for a protein bounce and I gave it my all. I couldn't even tell you at this point how much beef I ate, but it was a lot. A couple of pounds, easily, throughout the day. I almost cried because it felt so good not to be hungry.

 Day 6 was my un-bitchiest of days. I was satisfied all day, had loads of energy, ran around like a bunny with a battery strapped to my back, was quite happy. Again, pushing the water was a big deal, so while I was ingesting all the cow my stomach could take, I was pounding the water. I spent a great deal of time in the bathroom to pee, but since Wednesday (banana day), have not, um, well...I guess maybe the old pipes aren't ready to get rid of anything just yet. It will. Right? I mean, who can hold two pounds of beef in their system for long, right?

Um, ME, apparently.

Day 7 was weird. Brown rice, beef, and vegetables. I haven't voluntarily eaten rice in 8 years. Occasionally I'll have a little on the side if we order chinese food, but typically, I skip it. So I had to eat a cup of brown rice.  One cup. I did not go for the instant kind because I know it has most of the fiber stripped away. Which means it took like 45 minutes to cook the stuff. I didn't add butter, but did add a little salt. And I ate it. it wasn't horrible. Being brown rice, it was almost nutty in taste and texture. Very filling.

And then...I napped. I napped for 4 straight hours. I couldn't keep my head up I was so exhausted. It was like a horrible reaction to something. Like my body just shut down. I was dazed and my brain was fuzzy. I apparently got stoned on brown rice.

After I woke up from my brown rice blackout, I decided my diet was over. Like really over. I'm as cleansed as I'm going to be and I'm looking forward to seeing that big number on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm so excited that I don't even eat the rest of the day. You'll remember, after the meatless fajitas and banana days, I was down a solid 5 pounds. So I'm expecting great things. I've never been so strict with my eating, never followed a plan as precisely as I did this one.

Day 8. Final weigh-in.

My usual routine of emptying the bladder complete, I realize I haven't emptied the other tank since...day 4. All that beef, the tomatoes, and the brown rice.  Unless it's been converted to urine, it hasn't budged. So I'm taking all this into consideration when I step on the scales. Maybe it'll be 8, but really there's 2 pounds of goo in me that hasn't yet moved. So that's a net 10 pounds. I'll be happy with that.

But it's not 10. Or 8.

I've lost 4 pounds.

On the diet that guarantees that your system will shed 10-17 pounds if you follow it exactly and do not cheat at all...I lost...FOUR POUNDS.

I.
Give.
Up.

I don't feel better. I don't feel cleansed. I feel like I desperately need to poop. And I'm pissed.

But stress eating won't help. So I stick to my plan and rocket right into a typical low carb day. Bacon and eggs for breakfast, a diet coke (no coffee for me), a piece of roast chicken for lunch and a salad, and meat for dinner. Fortunately, because I'd had adequate caloric intake today, I feel like exercising. So I take a long 5 mile walk after work, briskly, for about an hour and a half. Still pushing the water. Still peeing. No signs of life from the colon.

I would not say I found the GM Diet/Cleanse to be successful. It was an interesting experiment on biology and had it worked, I would totally do it again. But the misery I felt in the restrictions, the abject hunger I felt, and the disappointment of not seeing a decent number on the scales gives it a giant thumbs down from me.

Now I'm just pissed I wasted a whole week on it.

As far as that other thing goes...the colon finally sprang to life a full week later. I literally went 10 days without activity. This cannot be healthy. When I finally got things moving again, it was nothing short of legendary. And boy did I feel better.

Day Five. MEAT!...and...tomatoes?

Excellent news! The scales made me very happy this morning. Since the beginning of this crazy GM Diet/Cleanse, I am down a solid 5 pounds. I could have called it 5.2, but I'm playing it safe and sticking with 5. I'm very happy.

I'm actually looking forward to today. I get meat. Oh glorious meat. Throughout the day I get a whopping 20 ounces of lean beef and 6 tomatoes. An odd combination, but I like tomatoes. Or I thought I did until tomatoes were my principle food source.

I fire up the grill on the deck at 5:30am to cook my 18.5 oz top loin steak. not a great cut of meat, but almost the right size and very very lean. I cut it up and take half to work and leave half at home. Then I cut up the tomatoes into chunks and do the same. I nosh on the meat all morning, a piece at a time, whenever my tummy grumbled for grub, and I'm perfectly satisfied. Protein makes all the difference in suppressing hunger.

I start in on the tomatoes about 8, thinking this won't be so bad...since I like tomatoes. But for some reason, they are not going down well. I wander around and find a salt shaker. Still making me gag. Then the nice girl who sits next to me and listens to me bitch and moan all day suggested some Splenda. I've never put sweetner on tomatoes so I give it a go. It was delightful! They were almost like candy, which I also don't really like. But definitely more palatable that way.

At 11, I hit the road to work from home until 5, so I finish up the steak at home and hit about 60 oz on my water intake. Around 4 I tear into the tomatoes again, but am not feeling it so I put them away and finish the rest of the second half of my steak. Was good. Salty and filling. When I'm done, I'm still in munchie mode. The hubs had made himself a hamburger patty and there was some raw hamburger left. I size it up and decide it may be a little over my 20 oz for the day when combined with what I've already had, but not much.  So I make two burgers out of what's left, fry them in the skillet, and set them in the fridge to cool. (I have a plan).

After they've cooled, one of the burgers gets chopped up, added to the last two chopped tomatoes, with a little salt AND a little Splenda tossed on top and I have a delectable, legal, day-5 meal. It was really pretty tasty mixed up together. By now I've finished up all my 100 oz of water, plus another 60 since the directions say you have to push the water today. Not a lot of bathroom stops. Must be because at 102 degrees, my body has used up all the water I've ingested, just with me running from a/c to a/c.

So today, with the meat my caloric intake is up and I'm at just under 1000 calories for the day. Not bad. And 100% to the plan.

Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for all week. It's Beef Day Friday.  All the beef I can eat, and all the veggies to go with, cooked or raw. That extra hamburger patty I fried up is going to be a nice appetizer as I'm grilling up some more steak for breakfast.

Bring on the cow.

Day Four - I am halfway through the GM Diet/Cleanse

I wasn't sure I would survive this far, but my midwestern stubborn streak won out over the desperate urge to eat...anything. I haven't eaten (or craved) a bagel in 8 years and I woke up dreaming of a warm, blueberry bagel slathered with cream cheese. Last night I received some good-natured ribbing from friends out at a local steakhouse. Pictures of their Lynchburg Lemonades, giant steaks and baked potatoes. It was really the WRONG day for that kind of ribbing and I did not take it well. This is desperately hard. I went to bed hungry last night for the third day in a row. Not just hungry. But starving. So being flashed images of real food didn't sit well with me. I'm normally a cheery person and can take just about anything that comes at me. But I am cranky. Hypoglybitchy, as my husband calls it.

I did not weigh in this morning, forced myself to avoid the scales. I ate so much last night, all onions and peppers and tomatoes and I still feel bloated from it. Starving at bedtime, bloated in the morning. It is illogical and there is nothing fun about this.

I shake off the funk and drink a 24 oz glass of water, and concoct something palatable out of my two allowed ingredients for day four...bananas, and milk.  I feel like I've fooled the system because the BFF wisely suggested that if I put the two together and create a banana shake, it might feel like cheating. So I do. I add a tsp of Splenda for taste, toss in some ice and blend up a delightful breakfast. And filling. I could barely get it all down.

Being the 4th of July holiday, my husband and I used the time wisely and were out working on our flip house before 7am. Its a scorcher with temps in the triple digits before noon, so we got there early, finished early, and were home by 11. Still some good exercise and plenty of sweating. But then I spent the rest of the day completely useless. I took two bananas with me, but didn't need them. Downed a good 64 oz of water while working, so am already over my allotment for the day.

Really, I just want to take an Ambien that will let me sleep until day 6...beef day.

I have another banana shake at noon, even though I'm not hungry. I don't want to GET hungry.  The milk protein clearly makes a difference in the appetite. Two giant bananas and 8 oz of milk with a little Splenda. Again, amazingly filling.

It's about now that last night's meatless fajita overload starts to fully attack my system. Or maybe it's more of the 'cleanse' effect. Each trip to the bathroom is more 'productive' than the last. And my pee smells like onions. At least a dozen bowel movements today. When the onions and peppers have cleared the pipes, the bananas are next. And I can tell you, bananas may go in as a shake, but come out as liquid. Seriously, I feel like I have the stomach flu. Except without the nausea.

I sleep most of the afternoon. Really just because I don't have much to do, and the work this morning was labor-intensive and the heat exhausting. Around 6, I have my last shake. I top this one off with a tablespoon of cocoa powder along with the Splenda. It rolls through me like...well again, I'll stick with the stomach flu concept. That's really as graphic as I want to get.

Clearly, there is NOTHING in my system after that last visit to the bathroom about 8:30 pm. I suppose this is the part of the diet where things are to turn around and your body has 'learned' that you're not going to put anything in it that it can burn for fuel, so it must start burning fat.

At least I hope so.

I smile about 9:00 and turn to my spousal unit and say 'I get to have BEEF tomorrow.'  20 oz of beef and six tomatoes. But I've never looked forward to waking up just for food before. I am such a carnivore and living without meat all week has been the most difficult thing for me.

More than that, I'm looking forward to Friday. Friday I can eat as much beef as I want.

I soldier on...

Day Three - Fuits and Veggies. And the urge to kill.

I sleep well between days two and three, getting up to drain the bladder only twice. I woke up feeling positive and optimistic! Into the bathroom, strip down. Rub eyes. Focus.

• Muffin top - CHECK!
• Lumpy back fat - CHECK!

Turn sideways...yep, there it is!

• Perma-belly - CHECK CHECK!

Well, at least I can count on some things.  


Same routine, I drain the bladder one last time, hope the other tank responds. Hmph. Disappointing. And I take a deep breath and step on the scale. And then off. And then on. See, my scales vary by a pound in either direction (usually down) so my routine is that I weigh multiple times, resetting between each attempt until I get the same weight two times. Only then am I satisfied that the evil thing is being precise.

Down a pound! A full pound from yesterday morning. 1.4 from Sunday. OK. I'm not going to lie, I would have liked more, but still feeling somewhat vindicated for my agony. Not takingWonder Soup for lunch today. It's all fruits and veggies (no bananas, no potatoes), and I decide I can save the Wonder Soup for dinner and not smell like onions and cabbage all day. So I take the two bags of veggies (one broccoli, one green beans), my water jug, the leftover grapes from Sunday's binge, a giant Fuji apple, and another bag of baby carrots. 


I start the day in the cafeteria with two cups of melon and my apple. And I start pounding the water. Around 7:30, the flood gates open. All told, I will make 9 (NINE) trips to the bathroom today. And on trip two...the OTHER flood gates open. I'm not trying to be graphic here, but let's just say that the 'cleanse' part of the GM Diet/Cleanse is in full force. I had no idea that fruits and vegetables could produce that kind of...visual. Maybe it's flushing stuff out of my system that has been there for years. They say that red meat can stay stuck in your intestines for decades. And I've had a lot of decades. And a TON of red meat. Very weird. It seems to be unstoppable. And the bladder, oy vey the bladder. About every 45 minutes, I'm back in that bathroom. I wonder out loud to my co-workers about the strength of the wi-fi signal and consider setting up camp for the day.

I hold out until 9:30 before I break out the carrots after a fervent search in the company coffee shop for ranch dressing since I forgot mine. They don't taste good.  I'm hungry.  I'm ready to hurt someone I'm so hungry. I break out the grapes and before lunch have consumed all of them, plus about 20 baby carrots. The carrots are either dipped in chocolate, cheese, or wrapped in bacon. At least in my imagination. It helps. Don't hate.

At 10:45 I heat up the broccoli, find some salt and pepper, and eat while I'm daydreaming about broccoli dripping with butter. I finish all the chocolate-bacon-cheese-baby carrots in front of me. At 12:30 I'm really, truly, ready to hurt someone. The BFF and I wander to the cafeteria so she can eat food.  On the way, a guy with a taco salad in a big crispy shell looked at me and smirked. Bastard. I could push him over the rail and watch him fall to his death, taco salad everywhere around him three stories down. As I wait next to the salad bar line, a flimsy ballerina picked through the radishes and beets to top her carefully measured lettuce mixture. I hate her. Who the hell puts beets on a salad? That's just dumb. I secretly hope her ballerina bun comes undone and it's all fake and really she's bald underneath.

I buy my Diet Coke and grump back to my kennel with the rest of the unfortunate cubicle-dwellers and I bury myself in work. The Diet Coke, once again, perks me up. My co-workers carefully tiptoe around me, but it's all in good fun. Around three I start to realize that I'm not really hungry. Still dissatisfied, but not hungry. I guess this is what it would be like if all the livestock in the world died from some horrible disease and there was no more meat or cheese. So when that happens, I'll be more ready than anybody else.

I head home for the fourth of July holiday, smack-dab in the middle of the workweek, trying to decide what to have for dinner. Wonder Soup? Or something else. I head to the store with the hubs for tomorrow's bucket-o-bananas and milk. And when I see the mounds of green and yellow and orange bell peppers, it hits me. FAJITAS!

I can have everything in it except meat and I am A-OK with that. The spices are probably alright. Maybe a tiny bit of sugar in that packet, but otherwise, just spices. I. Am. Brilliant. I feel like I've won a battle. I consume two onions, one large green pepper, one orange pepper and 6 roma tomatoes sauteed in a skillet sprayed with cooking spray and simmered in a slurry of fajita seasoning. It's really good. Not gonna lie.

I am satisfied for the night, might have a little more water, but feel armed for day four. ONWARD to bananas and milk day!!