So I haven't visited my blog in ages. I started it during my last-ditch attempt to drop some weight before a long Caribbean vacation. I came across it today while looking at another blog and was surprised that people have read it! I realize it's probably just people searching for any information on the GM Diet/Cleanse, but I still feel special. And I feel obligated to wrap it up.
So it's almost November. Obviously, since I'm writing this, the GM Diet/Cleanse did not kill me. It certainly felt like it would. And I will never do it again.
Day 6 was all-the-beef-you-can-eat-day. And oh I did. My freshly cleansed system was more than ready for a protein bounce and I gave it my all. I couldn't even tell you at this point how much beef I ate, but it was a lot. A couple of pounds, easily, throughout the day. I almost cried because it felt so good not to be hungry.
Day 6 was my un-bitchiest of days. I was satisfied all day, had loads of energy, ran around like a bunny with a battery strapped to my back, was quite happy. Again, pushing the water was a big deal, so while I was ingesting all the cow my stomach could take, I was pounding the water. I spent a great deal of time in the bathroom to pee, but since Wednesday (banana day), have not, um, well...I guess maybe the old pipes aren't ready to get rid of anything just yet. It will. Right? I mean, who can hold two pounds of beef in their system for long, right?
Um, ME, apparently.
Day 7 was weird. Brown rice, beef, and vegetables. I haven't voluntarily eaten rice in 8 years. Occasionally I'll have a little on the side if we order chinese food, but typically, I skip it. So I had to eat a cup of brown rice. One cup. I did not go for the instant kind because I know it has most of the fiber stripped away. Which means it took like 45 minutes to cook the stuff. I didn't add butter, but did add a little salt. And I ate it. it wasn't horrible. Being brown rice, it was almost nutty in taste and texture. Very filling.
And then...I napped. I napped for 4 straight hours. I couldn't keep my head up I was so exhausted. It was like a horrible reaction to something. Like my body just shut down. I was dazed and my brain was fuzzy. I apparently got stoned on brown rice.
After I woke up from my brown rice blackout, I decided my diet was over. Like really over. I'm as cleansed as I'm going to be and I'm looking forward to seeing that big number on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm so excited that I don't even eat the rest of the day. You'll remember, after the meatless fajitas and banana days, I was down a solid 5 pounds. So I'm expecting great things. I've never been so strict with my eating, never followed a plan as precisely as I did this one.
Day 8. Final weigh-in.
My usual routine of emptying the bladder complete, I realize I haven't emptied the other tank since...day 4. All that beef, the tomatoes, and the brown rice. Unless it's been converted to urine, it hasn't budged. So I'm taking all this into consideration when I step on the scales. Maybe it'll be 8, but really there's 2 pounds of goo in me that hasn't yet moved. So that's a net 10 pounds. I'll be happy with that.
But it's not 10. Or 8.
I've lost 4 pounds.
On the diet that guarantees that your system will shed 10-17 pounds if you follow it exactly and do not cheat at all...I lost...FOUR POUNDS.
I.
Give.
Up.
I don't feel better. I don't feel cleansed. I feel like I desperately need to poop. And I'm pissed.
But stress eating won't help. So I stick to my plan and rocket right into a typical low carb day. Bacon and eggs for breakfast, a diet coke (no coffee for me), a piece of roast chicken for lunch and a salad, and meat for dinner. Fortunately, because I'd had adequate caloric intake today, I feel like exercising. So I take a long 5 mile walk after work, briskly, for about an hour and a half. Still pushing the water. Still peeing. No signs of life from the colon.
I would not say I found the GM Diet/Cleanse to be successful. It was an interesting experiment on biology and had it worked, I would totally do it again. But the misery I felt in the restrictions, the abject hunger I felt, and the disappointment of not seeing a decent number on the scales gives it a giant thumbs down from me.
Now I'm just pissed I wasted a whole week on it.
As far as that other thing goes...the colon finally sprang to life a full week later. I literally went 10 days without activity. This cannot be healthy. When I finally got things moving again, it was nothing short of legendary. And boy did I feel better.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Day Five. MEAT!...and...tomatoes?
Excellent news! The scales made me very happy this morning. Since the beginning of this crazy GM Diet/Cleanse, I am down a solid 5 pounds. I could have called it 5.2, but I'm playing it safe and sticking with 5. I'm very happy.
I'm actually looking forward to today. I get meat. Oh glorious meat. Throughout the day I get a whopping 20 ounces of lean beef and 6 tomatoes. An odd combination, but I like tomatoes. Or I thought I did until tomatoes were my principle food source.
I fire up the grill on the deck at 5:30am to cook my 18.5 oz top loin steak. not a great cut of meat, but almost the right size and very very lean. I cut it up and take half to work and leave half at home. Then I cut up the tomatoes into chunks and do the same. I nosh on the meat all morning, a piece at a time, whenever my tummy grumbled for grub, and I'm perfectly satisfied. Protein makes all the difference in suppressing hunger.
I start in on the tomatoes about 8, thinking this won't be so bad...since I like tomatoes. But for some reason, they are not going down well. I wander around and find a salt shaker. Still making me gag. Then the nice girl who sits next to me and listens to me bitch and moan all day suggested some Splenda. I've never put sweetner on tomatoes so I give it a go. It was delightful! They were almost like candy, which I also don't really like. But definitely more palatable that way.
At 11, I hit the road to work from home until 5, so I finish up the steak at home and hit about 60 oz on my water intake. Around 4 I tear into the tomatoes again, but am not feeling it so I put them away and finish the rest of the second half of my steak. Was good. Salty and filling. When I'm done, I'm still in munchie mode. The hubs had made himself a hamburger patty and there was some raw hamburger left. I size it up and decide it may be a little over my 20 oz for the day when combined with what I've already had, but not much. So I make two burgers out of what's left, fry them in the skillet, and set them in the fridge to cool. (I have a plan).
After they've cooled, one of the burgers gets chopped up, added to the last two chopped tomatoes, with a little salt AND a little Splenda tossed on top and I have a delectable, legal, day-5 meal. It was really pretty tasty mixed up together. By now I've finished up all my 100 oz of water, plus another 60 since the directions say you have to push the water today. Not a lot of bathroom stops. Must be because at 102 degrees, my body has used up all the water I've ingested, just with me running from a/c to a/c.
So today, with the meat my caloric intake is up and I'm at just under 1000 calories for the day. Not bad. And 100% to the plan.
Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for all week. It's Beef Day Friday. All the beef I can eat, and all the veggies to go with, cooked or raw. That extra hamburger patty I fried up is going to be a nice appetizer as I'm grilling up some more steak for breakfast.
Bring on the cow.
I'm actually looking forward to today. I get meat. Oh glorious meat. Throughout the day I get a whopping 20 ounces of lean beef and 6 tomatoes. An odd combination, but I like tomatoes. Or I thought I did until tomatoes were my principle food source.
I fire up the grill on the deck at 5:30am to cook my 18.5 oz top loin steak. not a great cut of meat, but almost the right size and very very lean. I cut it up and take half to work and leave half at home. Then I cut up the tomatoes into chunks and do the same. I nosh on the meat all morning, a piece at a time, whenever my tummy grumbled for grub, and I'm perfectly satisfied. Protein makes all the difference in suppressing hunger.
I start in on the tomatoes about 8, thinking this won't be so bad...since I like tomatoes. But for some reason, they are not going down well. I wander around and find a salt shaker. Still making me gag. Then the nice girl who sits next to me and listens to me bitch and moan all day suggested some Splenda. I've never put sweetner on tomatoes so I give it a go. It was delightful! They were almost like candy, which I also don't really like. But definitely more palatable that way.
At 11, I hit the road to work from home until 5, so I finish up the steak at home and hit about 60 oz on my water intake. Around 4 I tear into the tomatoes again, but am not feeling it so I put them away and finish the rest of the second half of my steak. Was good. Salty and filling. When I'm done, I'm still in munchie mode. The hubs had made himself a hamburger patty and there was some raw hamburger left. I size it up and decide it may be a little over my 20 oz for the day when combined with what I've already had, but not much. So I make two burgers out of what's left, fry them in the skillet, and set them in the fridge to cool. (I have a plan).
After they've cooled, one of the burgers gets chopped up, added to the last two chopped tomatoes, with a little salt AND a little Splenda tossed on top and I have a delectable, legal, day-5 meal. It was really pretty tasty mixed up together. By now I've finished up all my 100 oz of water, plus another 60 since the directions say you have to push the water today. Not a lot of bathroom stops. Must be because at 102 degrees, my body has used up all the water I've ingested, just with me running from a/c to a/c.
So today, with the meat my caloric intake is up and I'm at just under 1000 calories for the day. Not bad. And 100% to the plan.
Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for all week. It's Beef Day Friday. All the beef I can eat, and all the veggies to go with, cooked or raw. That extra hamburger patty I fried up is going to be a nice appetizer as I'm grilling up some more steak for breakfast.
Bring on the cow.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Day Four - I am halfway through the GM Diet/Cleanse
I wasn't sure I would survive this far, but my midwestern stubborn streak won out over the desperate urge to eat...anything. I haven't eaten (or craved) a bagel in 8 years and I woke up dreaming of a warm, blueberry bagel slathered with cream cheese. Last night I received some good-natured ribbing from friends out at a local steakhouse. Pictures of their Lynchburg Lemonades, giant steaks and baked potatoes. It was really the WRONG day for that kind of ribbing and I did not take it well. This is desperately hard. I went to bed hungry last night for the third day in a row. Not just hungry. But starving. So being flashed images of real food didn't sit well with me. I'm normally a cheery person and can take just about anything that comes at me. But I am cranky. Hypoglybitchy, as my husband calls it.
I did not weigh in this morning, forced myself to avoid the scales. I ate so much last night, all onions and peppers and tomatoes and I still feel bloated from it. Starving at bedtime, bloated in the morning. It is illogical and there is nothing fun about this.
I shake off the funk and drink a 24 oz glass of water, and concoct something palatable out of my two allowed ingredients for day four...bananas, and milk. I feel like I've fooled the system because the BFF wisely suggested that if I put the two together and create a banana shake, it might feel like cheating. So I do. I add a tsp of Splenda for taste, toss in some ice and blend up a delightful breakfast. And filling. I could barely get it all down.
Being the 4th of July holiday, my husband and I used the time wisely and were out working on our flip house before 7am. Its a scorcher with temps in the triple digits before noon, so we got there early, finished early, and were home by 11. Still some good exercise and plenty of sweating. But then I spent the rest of the day completely useless. I took two bananas with me, but didn't need them. Downed a good 64 oz of water while working, so am already over my allotment for the day.
Really, I just want to take an Ambien that will let me sleep until day 6...beef day.
I have another banana shake at noon, even though I'm not hungry. I don't want to GET hungry. The milk protein clearly makes a difference in the appetite. Two giant bananas and 8 oz of milk with a little Splenda. Again, amazingly filling.
It's about now that last night's meatless fajita overload starts to fully attack my system. Or maybe it's more of the 'cleanse' effect. Each trip to the bathroom is more 'productive' than the last. And my pee smells like onions. At least a dozen bowel movements today. When the onions and peppers have cleared the pipes, the bananas are next. And I can tell you, bananas may go in as a shake, but come out as liquid. Seriously, I feel like I have the stomach flu. Except without the nausea.
I sleep most of the afternoon. Really just because I don't have much to do, and the work this morning was labor-intensive and the heat exhausting. Around 6, I have my last shake. I top this one off with a tablespoon of cocoa powder along with the Splenda. It rolls through me like...well again, I'll stick with the stomach flu concept. That's really as graphic as I want to get.
Clearly, there is NOTHING in my system after that last visit to the bathroom about 8:30 pm. I suppose this is the part of the diet where things are to turn around and your body has 'learned' that you're not going to put anything in it that it can burn for fuel, so it must start burning fat.
At least I hope so.
I smile about 9:00 and turn to my spousal unit and say 'I get to have BEEF tomorrow.' 20 oz of beef and six tomatoes. But I've never looked forward to waking up just for food before. I am such a carnivore and living without meat all week has been the most difficult thing for me.
More than that, I'm looking forward to Friday. Friday I can eat as much beef as I want.
I soldier on...
I did not weigh in this morning, forced myself to avoid the scales. I ate so much last night, all onions and peppers and tomatoes and I still feel bloated from it. Starving at bedtime, bloated in the morning. It is illogical and there is nothing fun about this.
I shake off the funk and drink a 24 oz glass of water, and concoct something palatable out of my two allowed ingredients for day four...bananas, and milk. I feel like I've fooled the system because the BFF wisely suggested that if I put the two together and create a banana shake, it might feel like cheating. So I do. I add a tsp of Splenda for taste, toss in some ice and blend up a delightful breakfast. And filling. I could barely get it all down.
Being the 4th of July holiday, my husband and I used the time wisely and were out working on our flip house before 7am. Its a scorcher with temps in the triple digits before noon, so we got there early, finished early, and were home by 11. Still some good exercise and plenty of sweating. But then I spent the rest of the day completely useless. I took two bananas with me, but didn't need them. Downed a good 64 oz of water while working, so am already over my allotment for the day.
Really, I just want to take an Ambien that will let me sleep until day 6...beef day.
I have another banana shake at noon, even though I'm not hungry. I don't want to GET hungry. The milk protein clearly makes a difference in the appetite. Two giant bananas and 8 oz of milk with a little Splenda. Again, amazingly filling.
It's about now that last night's meatless fajita overload starts to fully attack my system. Or maybe it's more of the 'cleanse' effect. Each trip to the bathroom is more 'productive' than the last. And my pee smells like onions. At least a dozen bowel movements today. When the onions and peppers have cleared the pipes, the bananas are next. And I can tell you, bananas may go in as a shake, but come out as liquid. Seriously, I feel like I have the stomach flu. Except without the nausea.
I sleep most of the afternoon. Really just because I don't have much to do, and the work this morning was labor-intensive and the heat exhausting. Around 6, I have my last shake. I top this one off with a tablespoon of cocoa powder along with the Splenda. It rolls through me like...well again, I'll stick with the stomach flu concept. That's really as graphic as I want to get.
Clearly, there is NOTHING in my system after that last visit to the bathroom about 8:30 pm. I suppose this is the part of the diet where things are to turn around and your body has 'learned' that you're not going to put anything in it that it can burn for fuel, so it must start burning fat.
At least I hope so.
I smile about 9:00 and turn to my spousal unit and say 'I get to have BEEF tomorrow.' 20 oz of beef and six tomatoes. But I've never looked forward to waking up just for food before. I am such a carnivore and living without meat all week has been the most difficult thing for me.
More than that, I'm looking forward to Friday. Friday I can eat as much beef as I want.
I soldier on...
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Day Three - Fuits and Veggies. And the urge to kill.
I sleep well between days two and three, getting up to drain the bladder only twice. I woke up feeling positive and optimistic! Into the bathroom, strip down. Rub eyes. Focus.
- Muffin top - CHECK!
- Lumpy back fat - CHECK!
Turn sideways...yep, there it is!
- Perma-belly - CHECK CHECK!
Well, at least I can count on some things.
Same routine, I drain the bladder one last time, hope the other tank responds. Hmph. Disappointing. And I take a deep breath and step on the scale. And then off. And then on. See, my scales vary by a pound in either direction (usually down) so my routine is that I weigh multiple times, resetting between each attempt until I get the same weight two times. Only then am I satisfied that the evil thing is being precise.
Down a pound! A full pound from yesterday morning. 1.4 from Sunday. OK. I'm not going to lie, I would have liked more, but still feeling somewhat vindicated for my agony. Not takingWonder Soup for lunch today. It's all fruits and veggies (no bananas, no potatoes), and I decide I can save the Wonder Soup for dinner and not smell like onions and cabbage all day. So I take the two bags of veggies (one broccoli, one green beans), my water jug, the leftover grapes from Sunday's binge, a giant Fuji apple, and another bag of baby carrots.
I start the day in the cafeteria with two cups of melon and my apple. And I start pounding the water. Around 7:30, the flood gates open. All told, I will make 9 (NINE) trips to the bathroom today. And on trip two...the OTHER flood gates open. I'm not trying to be graphic here, but let's just say that the 'cleanse' part of the GM Diet/Cleanse is in full force. I had no idea that fruits and vegetables could produce that kind of...visual. Maybe it's flushing stuff out of my system that has been there for years. They say that red meat can stay stuck in your intestines for decades. And I've had a lot of decades. And a TON of red meat. Very weird. It seems to be unstoppable. And the bladder, oy vey the bladder. About every 45 minutes, I'm back in that bathroom. I wonder out loud to my co-workers about the strength of the wi-fi signal and consider setting up camp for the day.
I hold out until 9:30 before I break out the carrots after a fervent search in the company coffee shop for ranch dressing since I forgot mine. They don't taste good. I'm hungry. I'm ready to hurt someone I'm so hungry. I break out the grapes and before lunch have consumed all of them, plus about 20 baby carrots. The carrots are either dipped in chocolate, cheese, or wrapped in bacon. At least in my imagination. It helps. Don't hate.
At 10:45 I heat up the broccoli, find some salt and pepper, and eat while I'm daydreaming about broccoli dripping with butter. I finish all the chocolate-bacon-cheese-baby carrots in front of me. At 12:30 I'm really, truly, ready to hurt someone. The BFF and I wander to the cafeteria so she can eat food. On the way, a guy with a taco salad in a big crispy shell looked at me and smirked. Bastard. I could push him over the rail and watch him fall to his death, taco salad everywhere around him three stories down. As I wait next to the salad bar line, a flimsy ballerina picked through the radishes and beets to top her carefully measured lettuce mixture. I hate her. Who the hell puts beets on a salad? That's just dumb. I secretly hope her ballerina bun comes undone and it's all fake and really she's bald underneath.
I buy my Diet Coke and grump back to my kennel with the rest of the unfortunate cubicle-dwellers and I bury myself in work. The Diet Coke, once again, perks me up. My co-workers carefully tiptoe around me, but it's all in good fun. Around three I start to realize that I'm not really hungry. Still dissatisfied, but not hungry. I guess this is what it would be like if all the livestock in the world died from some horrible disease and there was no more meat or cheese. So when that happens, I'll be more ready than anybody else.
I head home for the fourth of July holiday, smack-dab in the middle of the workweek, trying to decide what to have for dinner. Wonder Soup? Or something else. I head to the store with the hubs for tomorrow's bucket-o-bananas and milk. And when I see the mounds of green and yellow and orange bell peppers, it hits me. FAJITAS!
I can have everything in it except meat and I am A-OK with that. The spices are probably alright. Maybe a tiny bit of sugar in that packet, but otherwise, just spices. I. Am. Brilliant. I feel like I've won a battle. I consume two onions, one large green pepper, one orange pepper and 6 roma tomatoes sauteed in a skillet sprayed with cooking spray and simmered in a slurry of fajita seasoning. It's really good. Not gonna lie.
I am satisfied for the night, might have a little more water, but feel armed for day four. ONWARD to bananas and milk day!!
GM Cleanse - Day Two - Vegetables.
I wake up eager to start day two. Ready to see that number go down. I'm hoping for a pound, I'm praying for three. I want to be vindicated for my misery.
I'm ready to shower, stripped down naked. No excess anything. I don't even wear my contacts when I weigh. I pee until nothing more will come out. I try to empty the other tank, but that's a no go. But I ate all fruit. There probably isn't anything in me.
I step on the scales, take a deep breath, and look down.
Jesus.
I step off, reset the scale, and step back on.
Are you FREAKIN KIDDING ME???
I am exactly .4 pounds lighter than yesterday. That's right POINT FOUR. Less than half a pound.
NOW I want to kills someone.
Only I, the most metabolically resistant person on the planet, could have an intake of -453 calories, sweat my ass off for hours in the blazing heat, drink a gallon of water...and lose POINT FOUR pounds. On a diet that swears you'll lose a pound and 'up to THREE pounds' the first day. Only. Me.
Fortunately for those around me, the urge to kill is short lived. I take a deep breath, set my stubborn jaw, and decide to forge ahead. Day two is vegetable day and it is before me.The stunning defeat the scales handed me is behind me. I must soldier on. It is day two and I get to start my day with a baked potato.
I have not had a baked potato since George W Bush's first term. I get to have one pat of butter on it. It's...good. Filling. Warm. It feels decadent. If you're a low-carber, you know why I say that.
I take three cups of Wonder Soup, a bag of baby carrots and less than a tablespoon of ranch dressing, and three bags of frozen vegetables to work with me. I take a 101 oz water bottle and I fill it at 6am. I am set for the day.
Not really hungry most of the morning, and busy. I don't reach for the carrots until 9:30 and by then, have downed more than half my water. I munch on carrots for an hour, recording every one in my calorie counter.
I hit the bathroom probably 6 times before lunch. Easily once an hour, maybe even a little less. Someone's going to start thinking I'm just hiding out in there.
At 10:45 I break down and heat up the Wonder Soup, wondering how my breath is going to smell all afternoon after my concoction of onions and cabbages. It's tasty and filling. Topped off with more water, I'm almost painfully full by 11:30.
I bury myself in work and about 1:00 I start to droop. I think about heating up either the broccoli, or the veggie medley, or the green beans resting in my lunch bag. Decide I'm too full. What I need is some caffeine.
For the love of god, I'd kill for a Diet Coke.
I Google the diet again and this time click on a different website. Studying it carefully, I see it is identical in content, but programmed prettier. And it contains the words 'Diet' and 'Coke.' Right next to 'The free things during the diet.' God bless these people.
I IM my best friend to head down the escalator for sustenance. I warn her that in my weakness I may tumble at any moment. She's a peach and switches places with me so I don't hurt her on the way down (friends are great, no?). ;)
One sip of the nectar and I'm like a wilted flower after a light rain. My eyes are open, I'm walking upright. I'm revived. I get through the rest of the day without anything but my nectar and a couple more glasses of water. And 5 more trips to the bathroom to pee.
After work, I make an almost fatal error in judgment and step on the scales. It says I've gained a pound and a half today. I really just need to put the damn thing away until day 8. I mean, really, that's not even possible given what I've eaten and drank today. It's too much water. It's whatever. It's frustrating as hell.
I put it out of my head, my nose in the air like Scarlett O'Hara and decide I'll think about that tomorrow. Instead I take to the sidewalk in my walking shoes, three miles ahead of me. According to my friendly iPhone app, that will pretty much cancel out all the calories I consumed today.
I come home and have a bag of mixed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots in a light butter sauce). I having nothing else. Tomorrow better bring a better number on the scale.
Or I may actually kill someone.
I'm ready to shower, stripped down naked. No excess anything. I don't even wear my contacts when I weigh. I pee until nothing more will come out. I try to empty the other tank, but that's a no go. But I ate all fruit. There probably isn't anything in me.
I step on the scales, take a deep breath, and look down.
Jesus.
I step off, reset the scale, and step back on.
Are you FREAKIN KIDDING ME???
I am exactly .4 pounds lighter than yesterday. That's right POINT FOUR. Less than half a pound.
NOW I want to kills someone.
Only I, the most metabolically resistant person on the planet, could have an intake of -453 calories, sweat my ass off for hours in the blazing heat, drink a gallon of water...and lose POINT FOUR pounds. On a diet that swears you'll lose a pound and 'up to THREE pounds' the first day. Only. Me.
Fortunately for those around me, the urge to kill is short lived. I take a deep breath, set my stubborn jaw, and decide to forge ahead. Day two is vegetable day and it is before me.The stunning defeat the scales handed me is behind me. I must soldier on. It is day two and I get to start my day with a baked potato.
I have not had a baked potato since George W Bush's first term. I get to have one pat of butter on it. It's...good. Filling. Warm. It feels decadent. If you're a low-carber, you know why I say that.
I take three cups of Wonder Soup, a bag of baby carrots and less than a tablespoon of ranch dressing, and three bags of frozen vegetables to work with me. I take a 101 oz water bottle and I fill it at 6am. I am set for the day.
Not really hungry most of the morning, and busy. I don't reach for the carrots until 9:30 and by then, have downed more than half my water. I munch on carrots for an hour, recording every one in my calorie counter.
I hit the bathroom probably 6 times before lunch. Easily once an hour, maybe even a little less. Someone's going to start thinking I'm just hiding out in there.
At 10:45 I break down and heat up the Wonder Soup, wondering how my breath is going to smell all afternoon after my concoction of onions and cabbages. It's tasty and filling. Topped off with more water, I'm almost painfully full by 11:30.
I bury myself in work and about 1:00 I start to droop. I think about heating up either the broccoli, or the veggie medley, or the green beans resting in my lunch bag. Decide I'm too full. What I need is some caffeine.
For the love of god, I'd kill for a Diet Coke.
I Google the diet again and this time click on a different website. Studying it carefully, I see it is identical in content, but programmed prettier. And it contains the words 'Diet' and 'Coke.' Right next to 'The free things during the diet.' God bless these people.
I IM my best friend to head down the escalator for sustenance. I warn her that in my weakness I may tumble at any moment. She's a peach and switches places with me so I don't hurt her on the way down (friends are great, no?). ;)
One sip of the nectar and I'm like a wilted flower after a light rain. My eyes are open, I'm walking upright. I'm revived. I get through the rest of the day without anything but my nectar and a couple more glasses of water. And 5 more trips to the bathroom to pee.
After work, I make an almost fatal error in judgment and step on the scales. It says I've gained a pound and a half today. I really just need to put the damn thing away until day 8. I mean, really, that's not even possible given what I've eaten and drank today. It's too much water. It's whatever. It's frustrating as hell.
I put it out of my head, my nose in the air like Scarlett O'Hara and decide I'll think about that tomorrow. Instead I take to the sidewalk in my walking shoes, three miles ahead of me. According to my friendly iPhone app, that will pretty much cancel out all the calories I consumed today.
I come home and have a bag of mixed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots in a light butter sauce). I having nothing else. Tomorrow better bring a better number on the scale.
Or I may actually kill someone.
Monday, July 2, 2012
GM Diet - Day 1
Water. And fruit. Huh.
Water and fruit. 24 hours. I can do this.
I start the day with honeydew, watermelon, and my least favorite of the melon family, the cantaloupe. It tastes good. Especially since I haven't enjoyed melon without guilt in almost a decade. Filling it is not, but I fill my belly with water too.
The hubs and I are working on a project for our flip house (technically not a flip until it sells, but that's the plan). We are building a deck. It is July 1 and it is 96 degrees. I intend to sweat a LOT. So I take tons more melon with me and push the water all day. By noon, I'm shaking from the lack of nutrients. I eat more fruit. More watermelon, more honeydew, gag down more cantaloupe, and push more water. This sustains me through the harder part of the day.
Around 1:30 I announce that I'm spent. We're mostly done anyway, so we tinker for a bit then head home. I get online and review the diet again, hoping for something else to put in my belly. Nope. Just fruit. I finish my watermelon. (seriously, I ate a whole watermelon...a small one, but still). I finish the honeydew. I swing by the store and grab some grapes. I can eat grapes. I eat about 3/4 of a pound. I drink more water.
By 5pm, I'm asleep in my lawnchair on the front porch, a bag of half-eaten grapes resting on my lap, my bladder bursting at the seams.
Good lord there must be something I'm missing. I could kill someone right now I'm so hungry. Not that doing that would make me less hungry, it would just make me feel better.
I review the diet again and THIS time, I see the Wonder Soup. Really? How the hell did I miss this? I thought it was just for day three. But it says 'You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup.' And then there's the words 'unlimited quantities.' It's a soup made primarily of onions and cabbage and it sounds like death...and heaven all at the same time.
So at 7:30pm, I race back to the store to fetch a basket of ingredients for my gruel. I chop and dice and boil it up and I'm so hungry by 8:30 that it's worth burning my tongue for half-cooked Wonder Soup. I down two bowls of it, another glass of water, and I hit it for the day.
God help me I better lose some weight. The diet says most people lose between 1-3 pounds on the first day. I'm hopeful, since I ate less than 900 calories all day (thankful for my calorie tracking app), and burned more than 1300 with the deck building.
Up 10 times to pee over the night. But at least tired trumps hunger and I'm not miserable.
Water and fruit. 24 hours. I can do this.
I start the day with honeydew, watermelon, and my least favorite of the melon family, the cantaloupe. It tastes good. Especially since I haven't enjoyed melon without guilt in almost a decade. Filling it is not, but I fill my belly with water too.
The hubs and I are working on a project for our flip house (technically not a flip until it sells, but that's the plan). We are building a deck. It is July 1 and it is 96 degrees. I intend to sweat a LOT. So I take tons more melon with me and push the water all day. By noon, I'm shaking from the lack of nutrients. I eat more fruit. More watermelon, more honeydew, gag down more cantaloupe, and push more water. This sustains me through the harder part of the day.
Around 1:30 I announce that I'm spent. We're mostly done anyway, so we tinker for a bit then head home. I get online and review the diet again, hoping for something else to put in my belly. Nope. Just fruit. I finish my watermelon. (seriously, I ate a whole watermelon...a small one, but still). I finish the honeydew. I swing by the store and grab some grapes. I can eat grapes. I eat about 3/4 of a pound. I drink more water.
By 5pm, I'm asleep in my lawnchair on the front porch, a bag of half-eaten grapes resting on my lap, my bladder bursting at the seams.
Good lord there must be something I'm missing. I could kill someone right now I'm so hungry. Not that doing that would make me less hungry, it would just make me feel better.
I review the diet again and THIS time, I see the Wonder Soup. Really? How the hell did I miss this? I thought it was just for day three. But it says 'You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup.' And then there's the words 'unlimited quantities.' It's a soup made primarily of onions and cabbage and it sounds like death...and heaven all at the same time.
The following soup is intended as a supplement to your diet. It can be eaten any time of the day in virtually unlimited quantities. You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup.
28 oz, Water, 6 Large Onions, 2 Green Peppers, Whole Tomatoes (fresh or canned), 1 Head Cabbage, 1 Bunch Celery, 4 Envelopes Lipton Onion Soup Mix, Herbs and Flavouring as desired.
God help me I better lose some weight. The diet says most people lose between 1-3 pounds on the first day. I'm hopeful, since I ate less than 900 calories all day (thankful for my calorie tracking app), and burned more than 1300 with the deck building.
Up 10 times to pee over the night. But at least tired trumps hunger and I'm not miserable.
GM Diet Cleanse - REALLY??
A month of yo-yo dieting after 8 years of trying to stay thin, and that daydream of the Genie and the lamp creeping back into my subconscious has me ready to try something different. I'm going to bowl left-handed.
You see, back in my single years, I was on a bowling team in the winter.
I live in the midwest. We have little to do in the winter. Don't judge.
I was a decent bowler, mostly went for the beer and socializing. But I did enjoy bowling well. I mean, who likes to do something...crappy. Crappily?? Who likes to perform poorly? Every once in a while my form would be off. I'm right-handed and I would be throwing gutter after gutter. I tried altering my stance, I had people (well, mostly, drunk friends) watch me and critique. I kept my eye on the head pin. I pointed with my thumb as I released the ball. Nothing would work.
So I would switch hands. One frame. Two balls. Left-handed. And it would magically correct my form. Neither of those balls was worth a single pin, usually. But they were worth the sacrifice because I'd come back stronger the next frame, my form back to normal. My right hand working as it should.
After a half dozen plus years of battling the carb creep, failing and succeeding, I'm ready to left-handed bowl.
The polar opposite dieting philosophy to the Atkins plan (or South Beach or Beachbody, or whatever else has since copied the Atkins philosophy), is the GM Diet/Cleanse. Low-fat, restrictive as hell, loaded with sugar (natural...in the form of fruits, but still sugar), and tending to make one perpetually hungry for seven full days, it seems the perfect selection for my theory. My oldest stepdaughter introduced me to the concept when she did it about the time I was starting my latest fat fast/induction cycle. She lost 11 pounds on her 7-day GM Diet, I lost 10 on Atkins, but gained back 4. But then...I stalled. She hasn't lost a whole lot more, but didn't really need to.
My logic is, as in bowling, if I shock my system into doing the exact opposite of what I want it to do, it will stop being resistant to the magic of Atkins. I plan to do the full 7 days of the GM Diet, then jerk my body out of Reverse and straight into Drive. Transmission be damned.
You see, back in my single years, I was on a bowling team in the winter.
I live in the midwest. We have little to do in the winter. Don't judge.
I was a decent bowler, mostly went for the beer and socializing. But I did enjoy bowling well. I mean, who likes to do something...crappy. Crappily?? Who likes to perform poorly? Every once in a while my form would be off. I'm right-handed and I would be throwing gutter after gutter. I tried altering my stance, I had people (well, mostly, drunk friends) watch me and critique. I kept my eye on the head pin. I pointed with my thumb as I released the ball. Nothing would work.
So I would switch hands. One frame. Two balls. Left-handed. And it would magically correct my form. Neither of those balls was worth a single pin, usually. But they were worth the sacrifice because I'd come back stronger the next frame, my form back to normal. My right hand working as it should.
After a half dozen plus years of battling the carb creep, failing and succeeding, I'm ready to left-handed bowl.
The polar opposite dieting philosophy to the Atkins plan (or South Beach or Beachbody, or whatever else has since copied the Atkins philosophy), is the GM Diet/Cleanse. Low-fat, restrictive as hell, loaded with sugar (natural...in the form of fruits, but still sugar), and tending to make one perpetually hungry for seven full days, it seems the perfect selection for my theory. My oldest stepdaughter introduced me to the concept when she did it about the time I was starting my latest fat fast/induction cycle. She lost 11 pounds on her 7-day GM Diet, I lost 10 on Atkins, but gained back 4. But then...I stalled. She hasn't lost a whole lot more, but didn't really need to.
My logic is, as in bowling, if I shock my system into doing the exact opposite of what I want it to do, it will stop being resistant to the magic of Atkins. I plan to do the full 7 days of the GM Diet, then jerk my body out of Reverse and straight into Drive. Transmission be damned.
The Struggle Begins Again
In eight years, 30 pounds of that 70 weight loss have crept back on. Even though I make every effort to avoid the evil carbs, I've fallen off the wagon a dozen times. I get tired of being a high-maintenance eater and I decide I can actually JUMP off the wagon and eat like a normal person. Then everything starts to get tighter and I get back on Atkins induction. I lose 6 or 10 pounds, get a little relaxed, think I can just not eat carbs and BAM. It creeps back on at a dizzying speed.
My fat jeans are now size 14s and my 12s are tight. 10s are a pipe dream. And my lovely single-digit sized jeans, the pair that made my 8-year-old daughter exclaim 'Mom you look like a teenager!!' the night I fit into them, sit folded on an upper shelf of my closet. They are the goal jeans to end all goal jeans. They fit me that brief single-digit summer for about a month.
They mock me. Daily.
I can't seem to get a foothold, can't get in the zone of the low-carb biology. And it isn't because of cheating. As of two days ago, I had not had a carb, not a single illegal, illicit, or questionable carb, in four solid weeks. Not a chip, not a nibble of bread, not a kernel of popcorn. One week of Fat Fast, two weeks of induction, then another week of induction has yielded me a net loss of 6 pounds. Or 4 pounds. Or 6 pounds. Or 8 pounds. It depends on the morning.
Maybe my scales are broken.
Reflections on a Lifetime of Food Battles
I consider myself a hard-core low-carb dieter. Eight years ago I dropped 70 pounds feasting on bacon and cheese and eggs and never feeling the slightest bit of nostalgia for carbs of any kind. Except tortilla chips. And Oreos. Oreos are my kryptonite.It was the only time in my life that weight loss was effortless. I didn't even exercise. The biology was something completely opposite of every other diet I'd tried. My body fell for it.
Once.
The only other time I'd ever lost a significant amount of weight was in college. I was going through emotional struggles and just decided to put my head down and focus on myself. Weight Watchers was a program I'd tried before, but my Mom's best friend had just dropped 100 pounds on it. I had to lose around 40, so I figured if she could do it, I could do it. Ultimately, I lost about 25 and I felt terrific. But my college diet of pizza and beer soon replaced my carefully measured carrots and crisp greens and within a year, the weight was back, PLUS 10 pounds.
A few years later I was married and my new husband and I loved to cook together. We were young and had lots of young couple friends. On a weekly basis there was a crowd of people at our house and a huge dinner on the table. Weight started to creep on to both of us. I was my heaviest of all time, about 200 pounds, when I got pregnant with my son. I was lucky with pregnancy and barely gained anything. I had an 8 pound baby and had only gained 16 pounds to begin with. I left the hospital down 22. Using this as a kickstart and knowing I was staying home with my son, I was determined to keep it off. And I did for a little while.
When baby two came along a few years later, I was back where I started before my son, plus 5 pounds. But once again, I came out of the hospital with a net loss of about 5 pounds. But this time, with two kids under the age of 4, life got in the way of me taking care of me. Combined with what had become a stessed and unhappy marriage, I started to balloon.
I remember the last fat picture taken of me. At Christmas, 2002. I was squeezed into a size 18 stretch jeans. And I mean squeezed. I could barely breathe. I had on a winter sweater that wasn't quite heavy enough to hid my belly rolls. My face was round, I couldn't wear my wedding rings. I hadn't weighed in three years...because I didn't want to know.
When Atkins found me, I forced myself on the scales. I was at 235. I had no idea things had gotten that out of control.
A Chubby Girl's Daydream
I once daydreamed
that I found a lamp and a genie popped out. Like an afterschool special, I saw
the genie appear before me, a large black woman who shook her head at my wish to
be skinny. She tried to tell me that I should be proud of myself no matter what
my size. She told me that black girls like a little extra junk in the trunk. I
pleaded with her that we white girls don't see it that way. After much arguing,
the genie granted my first wish...to be a perfect size 6.
In the dream I went to bed at night a plump size 18, and woke up in the morning 100 pounds lighter. I lay in bed feeling my new form beneath the sheets that morning. I couldn't believe it was all real and was afraid to step in front of the mirror for fear I would wake up to discover it was all a cruel joke that my mind was playing. I set my dainty feet on the floor and looked down. My XXL t-shirt was falling off me. As my hands ran down my waist, I felt something hard. Seems that I did have hip bones! My fingers were smaller, my fingers could circle my forearm almost all the way to my elbow. My boobs were smaller. But giving those up was worth it.
I slowly moved to the mirror and examined my new shape. I was delighted with what stared back at me. I had a waist, I had curves, there were no rolls. I could see daylight between my thighs!! I was transformed. Overnight. And it had been effortless. Just a wish from a genie.
In my dream, as in real life, I had nothing that fit. Absolutely nothing. I had to wear a towel in order to go find the lamp and get my second wish... a wardrobe of clothes that fit. As the Genie granted me this wish, clothes poured out of my ceiling, a mixture of colors and fabrics that made me scream with joy even as I ran for cover. I spent days trying on every fashionable outfit of the time. I looked fantastic. I felt fantastic.I wore belts, I tucked in shirts, I wore short short skirts AND high heels. I stopped and stared at my reflection everywhere I went. That fairy godmother's opinion was all wrong. She had no idea what she was missing. Being a skinny girl was awesome.
So awesome that I wanted to share the joy. I toiled over my third wish until I selflessly wished that nobody in the world was fat. Everyone should feel this good. Type II Diabetes would no longer exist! Heart rates cut to a fraction of their former levels. Sure, the fat people's clothing stores would go out of business. But adapt or die...it's a retail rule! I saved the world with one little wish!
Poof. Dream over. Reality set in. My belly still jiggled when I walked. My thighs still rubbed together.
This seems to be my lifetime battle. But that damn fair godmother is still wrong.
In the dream I went to bed at night a plump size 18, and woke up in the morning 100 pounds lighter. I lay in bed feeling my new form beneath the sheets that morning. I couldn't believe it was all real and was afraid to step in front of the mirror for fear I would wake up to discover it was all a cruel joke that my mind was playing. I set my dainty feet on the floor and looked down. My XXL t-shirt was falling off me. As my hands ran down my waist, I felt something hard. Seems that I did have hip bones! My fingers were smaller, my fingers could circle my forearm almost all the way to my elbow. My boobs were smaller. But giving those up was worth it.
I slowly moved to the mirror and examined my new shape. I was delighted with what stared back at me. I had a waist, I had curves, there were no rolls. I could see daylight between my thighs!! I was transformed. Overnight. And it had been effortless. Just a wish from a genie.
In my dream, as in real life, I had nothing that fit. Absolutely nothing. I had to wear a towel in order to go find the lamp and get my second wish... a wardrobe of clothes that fit. As the Genie granted me this wish, clothes poured out of my ceiling, a mixture of colors and fabrics that made me scream with joy even as I ran for cover. I spent days trying on every fashionable outfit of the time. I looked fantastic. I felt fantastic.I wore belts, I tucked in shirts, I wore short short skirts AND high heels. I stopped and stared at my reflection everywhere I went. That fairy godmother's opinion was all wrong. She had no idea what she was missing. Being a skinny girl was awesome.
So awesome that I wanted to share the joy. I toiled over my third wish until I selflessly wished that nobody in the world was fat. Everyone should feel this good. Type II Diabetes would no longer exist! Heart rates cut to a fraction of their former levels. Sure, the fat people's clothing stores would go out of business. But adapt or die...it's a retail rule! I saved the world with one little wish!
Poof. Dream over. Reality set in. My belly still jiggled when I walked. My thighs still rubbed together.
This seems to be my lifetime battle. But that damn fair godmother is still wrong.
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